Thoughts From ICU

Posted byGary FultzPosted inabundant life, accountability, Build Faith, deadly spiritual perspective, deception, end of life, eternal, expectations, Faith, Gary Fultz Blog, Jesus Christ, Know God, most imortant relationship, perspective, spiritual deception, walk with GodTags:, , , , , , , , , ,

That realization when something is terribly wrong and I am realizing it in real time, very fast but in slow motion. The brain is wonderful. Sometimes brutal. The very fast life of mine flashed through scenes in a millisecond. Blood shooting several feet from my arms twitched my whole body, the tall ladder falling too fast to react. Dozens of scenes came to mind as I was in the middle of talking to my daughter. Slow motion as her words quit, her face drops into a chewing motion, foam starts coming, eyes closed, no response to my touch or voice and I know she is in big trouble. Seizures only when somethings really wrong. 911, ambulance, helicopter, two hour drive to a big city ER and we walk into an empty room. Her ER room.

We find her shoes in a corner, leg braces in another, a shirt obviously cut off her body hanging on wastebasket. No bed. No daughter. We are numb. We are now camping out in ICU.

One day after my last post. Life can change so fast. I’m sure you can relate. Nothing in my DNA allows me to see the future. Educated guesses sometimes are correct. It’s easy to play God when everything is working. Impossible when not. I’m so smart until I’m not.

As I write on my phone, we await a surgery in an hour. We will be here awhile. I caught up on comments from other posts (I think). I text friends and family that know God enough to pray. Yes, judging. I hold our daughters hand now and then. She’s not all there yet. She’s very sick. Too complex to describe. 21 EKG wires tell a tale. Blood samples paint a rough picture. 30 doctors (seems like) agree it a complex puzzle. She’s in God’s hands who has entrusted theirs to a large but not overriding degree.

I watched a most beautiful sunset highlight the clouds in brilliant colors. How dare it be so beautiful when our daughter is fighting to get well in ICU?

I scanned through a hundred news headings. None seemed readworthy. Truthfully wrapping up the garden hose for winter is more important to me. Something I can control, like smiling at people barging into the room. Most are there to help, some are there only for the paycheck. I am in no position to judge. Actually, who is? Again, yes, only God. I’ll quit now. She’s in God’s hands. She has always told us that.

Knowing God seems really important right now. We were created to know Him. All else is a vapor, like life here.

She has been ready for much of her life. Something she can control. A 43 year old gal with severe physical disabilities. She is way more ready for eternity than most of the world, judging by the news headlines. Here I go again. Judging. You and God. Not my place is it. It’s God’s. It’s yours. It’s just so important to be ready when the last realization__________…

Gary

Published by Gary Fultz

Outdoors Man, Hunter, Fisherman, Guide, Writer / Author, Photographer, Public Speaker, Musician, Song Writer, Story Teller, Follower Of Jesus. Love God and family and total strangers

135 thoughts on “Thoughts From ICU”

  3. Have prayed. Will continue. You came to another of the right places, Gary, with so many of your many friends who will pray and ask others to pray. I am glad that your loving daughter completed a successful trip and is in such great hands, and mostly, of course, that the Lord is leading it all. Keep being strong my friend. Receive His peace

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  4. Jesus, just as you endured trauma while here on earth You understand the trauma our brother is going through. I humbly ask for Your sweet, gentle hand to be on our brother and sister to fill them with Your loving peace. In Your caring name I humbly ask. Amen

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    2. Thanks for praying and walking with us Chris.The last 4 days has seen our daughter headed the right direction. Enough to send us home under some home care. Possibly this afternoon earliest… Our Tanias brain is wounded and seems to have “silent” seizures even when sleeping. She will be on a medication for that continuously. Evidently the big seizures are triggered by any infection. These trigger out of balance sodium and many other vitals. So, I guess we hit the perfect storm with a bad cellulitis. I intend to write an update, recap and going forward (but short) post for so many that have prayed through this time…we are grateful and in awe.

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  7. I am right now in the ER with chest pains. I just prayed for you and your daughter, trusting as always that God is always good and always knows what’s best. However things go know that God is there.

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      2. It was this piece. I wrote it years ago:

        Joy, how do we meet with you? How are you made manifest in the fury? Where do you begin and, tell me, will you ever end?
        Are you like the broken iceberg weighted by the storm, loosened from the shore, now set afloat and free?
        Or are you like the waves that make beautiful the waters’ furies and remain?
        Teach us as the One who lives thus so, who, though we could not see the secret place within, though reviled and rejected, still conquered and rose above the fury.
        Make us undaunted. Let our eyes, as though beholding of the noonday light, as the brilliant Body Who rules the sea thereof, see anew.
        Joy, we meet you here, the wind against us, our endurance never expiring but ever becoming more like you.
        Come, into the fury, into the fire, fan the flames therein, make all things new again.

        And you wrote this in response:

        I plan on reading this to our severely handicapped daughter (a great 39 year old mind in a very crippled body, we are her life long care-givers as parents) I already know what she will say “Joy is my middle name you know!” and smile at your last phrase, possibly with tears.

        Like I said…I’ve never forgotten.

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    2. wow, I remember…and that is what she said. I’ll read this to her tomorrow. With a series of seizures, she has spotty memory…tears often come because these conversations mean a lot

      it may seem like the first time all over again.

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  13. Trusting in God… so easy to type… so easy to think “yes of course I/we do…” until that is all we can do.

    The “whys” seem to never cease – until they suddenly do.

    The quiet has never felt so comforting and not. Is quiet ever a part of these moments? From beeps and barge-ins, to restless feet, and the rush of blood coursing through our ears.

    Gary, I am praying for you and your wife and your sweet daughter. Praying that prayer that only a heart can pray – because the mind can’t fathom – the right word – the right plea.

    May God be with you.

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  14. Gary, I just lifted your daughter, you and your family, up in earnest prayer. I asked for God’s grace to flow to all of you and that His peace would quiet the waves. God’s blessings to all of you. – Bruce

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    1. David. First. Thanks so much for praying and walking with us through this time. Second, I found your comment in my spam file. Word Press gets it wrong again.

      I debated even posting about our personal lives in crisis. The Lord brought together people from all over the world to take the time to stand in prayer together. I am very humbled over this. Little ole us living in the woods. Thankyou for your part.

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      1. Thank you Gary for the way that you faithfully reply to everyone. I feel blessed to be part of a family of bloggers who are part of my journey, and whom I pray for along with their families.

        It is a privilege to pray for you, Cheryl and Tania. Reading the update post I am deeply encouraged by the way that God uses even the hardest of times in our lives and touches others through it, myself included.

        Blessed by the way you have reacted as a family and blessed by Tania’s words and her faith. Sorry about the frozen produce, fruit flies, etc.

        Still praying.

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    2. You do notice a lot David and we so appreciate your continued prayer. This world is not our true home and sometimes a crisis reminds us how hollow it would be with out God and without HIs people supporting and being involved in the “One Anothers” .

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  21. Wow, Gary. This is so heart wrenching, yet heart healing at the same time. Your daughter is suffering, and so is the family, yet you recognize that she—and this whole situation—are in His hands.

    “Nothing in my DNA allows me to see the future. Educated guesses sometimes are correct. It’s easy to play God when everything is working. Impossible when not. I’m so smart until I’m not.”

    Vulnerability can be excruciating. Thank you for sharing your heart. Nancy and I are praying for your daughter, and the Fultz family.

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    1. Thanks. These doctors are really great. Right now 4 of them who saw big bad pockets of infection on the scans found nothing in surgery. A bit of happy head scratching going on. Meanwhile in the mystery, our daughter has a journey ahead of her to get functional again.

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    1. Thankyou Karen. There is a Love and a peace much bigger than we can manufacture. I think God gets a lot of mileage in many lives through times like this…our daughter has quite a journey ahead yet

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  34. Praying for you and your family, Gary. The love you and your daughter have for your Lord and each other is beautiful. May we make all our sunrises and sunsets count as we never know when it will be our last or when we will be the eyes to describe it to someone else. 🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

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    1. Thanks Mandy…you express it so well. God is using our daughters pain. We see it. He takes what’s broken and doesn’t always fix things yet uses the pieces well. This could be a very long and tangled conversation…yes to the beauty. Yes to his will is where he wants us first and foremost trusting him.

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  38. Gary, you and your family are in my prayers and have been for some time. You all are not alone in your pain. Praying our heavenly Father covers your family with his grace giving you strength, peace, and comfort. Our Father is with you, loving you and holding you near. Love & Prayers for you and yours.

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  40. Dear Gary, what a beautiful parade passing through your blog page. The prayers, your responses, the promises and the truths written here are timeless. It is a blessing to this old but new heart to see how our Father’s children live in unity and respond in lovingkindness when His children are suffering. A title in mind — not yet written — After You Have Suffered — fits here with the promises through Peter’s letter. “Now may the God of all grace who has called you to His eternal glory through Jesus Christ, after you have suffered a while, perfect, establish, strengthen, and settle you. This is the grace in which we stand.” In our suffering He proves Himself able to comfort and bring us through this wilderness. I praise Him for being with you, your daughter and your family, and I pray you know more of the grace and joy He gives in such times.

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    1. Thankyou for this encouragement Francis. In our hearts we know that God in no way let’s our trials and pain go to waste. In real time we wobble like a new born calf. We are so grateful and even embarrassed with all the support given.

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    1. it is stressful Dwight. Sadly, we have logged almost 10 months in ICU rooms with our daughter the last 43 years. Each time different, and it seems to get harder not easier. This one especially complex and tough. As we age we seem to love more and hurt deeper. I suppose it’s a decision to live life that way. We also feel the numbness that happens…maybe self protection. Thanks for thinking of us

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  43. Oh, Gary. I am so sorry to read of this episode you all are going through.

    Reading your post my thoughts went back to an old Twila Paris song we used to play on air. “The Warrior Is A Child” ran through my mind as I could detect the struggle between the lines written.

    Would love to get an update when warranted. Being caught within the rapids can be so disorienting . Yet, you said it, God is in control. I will pray for her and for a restful spirit for you as you stand strong for her during this time.

    In His Grip.

    Alan

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    1. Thanks Alan. You read between the lines well. It’s a pendulum of sorts knowing our daughter will make great strides toward wellness and then plummet with some unknown piece to a complex puzzle. We don’t know what will happen. Today…that was yesterday. Right now we are headed the right direction. The stabilizing factor and bottom line is she’s in God’s hands.

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    1. Thanks so much Mike. This a rough one. Our daughter is headed the right direction with a few hiccups happening. We are very grateful for so many (like you) walking with us in a hard time. Prayers appreciated…coveted actually.

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  45. Pingback: Thoughts From ICU – QuietMomentsWithGod

    1. Thanks so much Ted. Your prayers mean so much.

      by the way Ted… You were the instigator for me to put 160 outdoor pictures on unsplash for free download a couple years ago. 9 million views and 53,000 downloads later, many people have seen a way for those pictures being used. Thanks for all you have done.

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  48. I am so sorry to read this news today. I am praying for your daughter in the midst of this health crisis. I am also praying for you and your wife. I thought about what you said about the sunset and tears filled my eyes. A sunset is part of God’s beautiful creation, as is your precious daughter. Our God holds the universe in His hands, and yet, He is always there to hold our hands as well. Praying for healing!

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    1. Thank You Linda. My sunset comment was one looking at the Irony of how fickle one can be based on circumstance. The Sun and all creation is not fickle..God is not either thankfully

      Your perspective is right on. I watched a beautiful sunrise from 6th floor out a hospital window this morning. Our Tania has graduated out of ICU and is in a regular care room now. She is doing better and seems headed the right direction. God has walked with us through this. His Peace, hope and healing are here, yet are only a taste of our ultimate Peace, Hope and healing.

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    1. Thank You Jennifer. Prayers are so appreciated. It’s been almost a week now in the hospital. Several teams of doctors have been involved and we feel we have gotton our Tania back. Quite a recovery road still ahead including home care upon release.

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